October 8th, 2007 1:47 pm

Maybe I’m just getting old, but rap or hip hop, whatever you want to call it, just isn’t the same anymore. I much prefer rap from the 90s. Hell, I prefer just about all music from the 90s. Today’s music in general is mostly crap.

Let’s compare, shall we?

Here is “Scenario” from A Tribe Called Quest:

Here we go yo, here we go yo
So what so what so what’s the scenario
Here we go yo, here we go yo
So what so what so what’s the scenario

Verse one: phife dawg

Aiyyo bo knows this (what?) and bo knows that (what?)
But bo don’t know jack, cause bo can’t rap
Well whaddya know, the di-dawg, is first up to bat
No batteries included, and no strings attached
No holds barred, no time for move fakin
Gots to get the loot so i can bring home the bacon
Brothers front, they say the tribe can’t flow
But we’ve been known to do the impossible like broadway joe so
Sleep if you want, Nyquil will help you get your z’s troop
But here’s the real scoop
I’m all that and then some, short dark and handsome
Bust a nut inside your eye, to show you where i come from
I’m vexed, fumin, i’ve had it up to here
My days of payin dues are over, acknowledge me as in there (yeah)
Head for the border, go get a taco
I’ll be wreckin from the jump street, meaning from the get-go
Sit back relax and let yourself go
Don’t sweat what you heard, but act like you know

Verse two: charlie brown

Yes yes y’all (yes y’all!)
Who got the vibe it’s the tribe y’all (tribe y’all!)
Real live y’all (live y’all!)
Inside outside come around… (who’s that??) browwwwwwwwn
Some may, i say, call me charlie
The word is the herb and i’m deep like bob marley
Layback on the payback, [evolve rotate the gates?] contact!
Can i get a hit? (hit!)
Boom bip with a brother named tip and we’re ready to flip
East coast stompin, rippin and rompin
New york, north cak-a-laka, and compton
Checka-checka-check it out!
The loops for the troops, more bounce to the ounce
And wow how now wow how now brown cow
We’re ill till the skill gets down
For the flex, next, it’s the textbook old to the new
But the rest are doo-doo
From radio, to the video, to arsenio
Tell me! yo, what’s the scenario

Verse three: dinco d

(true blue!) scooby doo, whoopie doo
Scenario’s ready yo, rates more than four
Scores for the snores that’s lovin dancefloors
Now i go for mine, [shades of g sure?]
Ship-shape plus grape apes to play tapes
Papes make grapes great for the waist
I’m an l-ah, an e-ader, simply just a leader
Bass in his face means peace see ya later
Later? (later!) later alligator
Pop blows the weasel and my herb’s the inflater
So yo the d what the o, incorporated i-n-c into a flow
Funk flipped flat back first this foul fight fight fight
Laugh yo how’s that sound (ohhhhhh!)

Verse four: q-tip, busta rhymes

It’s the leader quest mission and we got the goods here (here!)
Never on the left cause my right’s my good ear (ear!)
I could give a damn about a ill subliminal
Stay away from crime cause i ain’t no criminal
I love my young nation, groovy sensation
No time for hibernation, only elation
Don’t ever try to test, the water little kid
Yo mr. busta rhymes, tell him what i did

I heard you rushed and rushed, and attacked
Then baby puked then you had to smack
Causin rambunction, throughout the sphere
Raise the levels of the boom, inside the ear

You know i did it
So don’t violate or you get violated
The hip-hop sound is well agitated
Won’t ever waste no time on the played out ego
So here’s busta rhymes with the, scenario

Verse five: busta rhymes

Watch, as i combine all the juice from the mind
Heel up, reel up, bring it back, come rewind
Powerful impact boom! from the cannon
Not braggin, try to read my mind just imagine
Vo-cab-u-lary’s necessary
When diggin into my library
Oh my gosh! oh my gosh!
Eating ayea toadstool like the one peter tosh-a
Uh, uh uhh, all over the track man
Uh, pardon me, uhh, as i come back
As i did it yo i heard you beg your pardon
When i travel to the sun i roll with the squadron
Rrrrrroaw rrrrrrroaw like a dungeon dragon
Change your little drawers cause your pants are saggin
Try to step to this, i will, fits you in a turban
And had you smellin ripe, like some old stale urine
Checkady-choco, the chocolate chicken
The rear cock diesel, buttcheeks they were kickin
Yo, bustin out before the busta bust a nut the rhyme
The rhythm is in sync (uhh!) the rhymes are on time (time!)
Rippin up this dance just like a radio
Observe the vibe and check out the scenario!!
*chorus starts* yeah, my man motherfucker!

Chorus

Now, let’s compare that to a gem of a song I heard while listening to the radio the other day. It’s called “Coffee Shop” by Young Joc

welcome to Starblocks
it’s young dirty
who sent you?
its Young Dirty!
oh okay what you need?
hey I need some of them thangs, mayn.
how many of em
two of em, give me two.
I got you, pull on around to the window pimp
aiight shawty
ay ay ay joc
what up Patman
cuh cuz out here say he need two of them thangs
o yea he want two of em?
yea, ay joc
whatup?
you know tha motto!
yea
hustle by any means nigga!

First I take they order like the coffee shop
then I steam it up and cook it like the coffee shop
and then I serve it out the window like the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]
and it ain’t no returns at the coffee shop
man I make that paper stack up at my coffee shop
one hit n they’ll be back to the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]

okayy
its just another day at the coffee shop
I grab them coffee beans, time to heat them coffee pots
turn them lights on, j’s rush the parkin lot
this the neighborhoods number one stop n shop
no regular, we only serve the best
for the low low, cheaper than the rest!
I’m takin orders, tell me whos next
only cash, no credit, no checks
when your car stop, welcome to starblocks
you wanna triple your knot? invest in our stock
n now we doin numbers, like the closeout
make sure you shop wit me, before its sold out

First I take they order like the coffee shop
then I steam it up and cook it like the coffee shop
and then I serve it out the window like the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]
and it ain’t no returns at the coffee shop
man I make that paper stack up at my coffee shop
one hit n they’ll be back to the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]

cook it in the morning, sell it durin midday
whipped cream the same color as your latte
I tell em vamonos, thas rapido, you need some mota? you gon call gorilla zoe
you can get the coca if you got tha get-it-green
colombian, and I ain’t talkin coffee beans
12 to 12
its always someone on the scene
starblocks, we get it out by any means
coffee shop, trap spot, hand to hand, get my guap
pockets still ounce for ounce
decafinated off the top
rockstar, rollin rocks
piano keys, work the block
welcome to starblocks, we trap like the coffee shop…let go, see

first I take they order like the coffee shop
then I steam it up and cook it like the coffee shop
and then I serve it out the window like the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]
and it ain’t no returns at the coffee shop
man I make that paper stack up at my coffee shop
one hit n they’ll be back to the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]

ah ha okay
everybody on the block know my nick name
when you drop by just ask for whip game
and all my money get counted when the shifts change
they get into it, ima let my four fifth bang
if you need the number 1-800-starblocks
coca latte damned to make ya heart stop
and now the haters hot so they run n tell the cops
shut this xxxx down, we set up shop on another block

first I take they order like the coffee shop
then I steam it up and cook it like the coffee shop
and then I serve it out the window like the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]
and it ain’t no returns at the coffee shop
man I make that paper stack up at my coffee shop
one hit n they’ll be back to the coffee shop
[yea I’m comin in got my rims sittin real big]’

What.The.Fuck.

And if you think the lyrics of that second song are bad, just wait until you actually HEAR the song. It’s comical at best.

People can’t even come up with original names anymore. I mean, Young Joc? What happens when he gets old? When he’s 40 will he still go by Young Joc? Or will he switch to Middle-Aged Joc?

Seriously, next to global warming, is there anything worse than bad rap?

• Rants , Science