October 4th, 2007 12:14 pm

Yesterday we explored the horrible disease known as douchebagnamonia. Today we’ll explore the related disease that is most often found in women called trixieoma. Known as trixies, women with this disease can often act like their male counterpart, but some of the symptoms are different.

For those of you unaware of what a trixie is, I point you in the direction of this Wikipedia entry:

Trixies are typically depicted as “social climbing, marriage-minded, money-hungry young ladies that seem to flock to the upwardly-mobile neighborhood of Lincoln Park. Another description calls them “the women with Kate Spade bags for every day of the week; the ex-sorority girls still lusting after big, dumb jocks; the women who go to law school to find husbands.”

 They’re extremely easy to spot and oftentimes can be even more annoying that those effected by douchebagnomonia. But, before we go into the symptoms, it’s important to note again what to do if you find yourself having any of the signs of trixieoma.

Chances are that if you exhibit only one or two symptoms you are not a trixie. However, I would print out this checklist and continue to monitor your symptoms. If you do exhibit more than one symptom it is best to try and get the necessary treatment lest you become a stupid bimbo.

If you exhibit between 3-5 symptoms I would consult your physician immediately. In the most severe cases both clinical rehabilitation and medicinal treatment is required. The sooner you act the sooner you can get better.

Unfortunately, women that show more than five symptoms of this disease are not riduculed like males who show the same number of symptoms of douchebagnamonia. A full-fledged trixie is often a favorite target of the male population. What typically occurs is a full-fledged trixie ends up marrying and procreating with a full-fledged douchebag. They go on to create an army of trixie and douchebag children and the cycle continues.

This is also just another reason to allow abortion, but that’s a topic for another day.

ANYWAY, as you can imagine, trixies must be stopped before the world is overpopulated with these creatures. Since a trixie is too stupid to see the symptoms herself, it’s important you be on the lookout for them. If you have a friend who starts to show the signs of trixieoma it’s best you get help for them immediately.

The ten symptoms after the break.

1. When a call on their cell phone ends they immediately must call someone else because they can’t stand not being the center of attention. They also love to talk on the phone while driving, making them a danger to society. In fact, you’ll never see a trixie anywhere without her cell phone. The gym, bus, restroom; they talk on it everywhere
2. Much like douchebags, their sunglasses cover half their face. This is usually to hide the bloodshot eyes that were a result of bar-hopping the night before
3. Rarely will you find a trixie in an American-made car. Typically, a trixie will be driving an SUV that is so big they need a lift to get into it. More often than not the purchaser of said car was not the trixie herself
4. Despite being 25 years old, a trixie will often refer to her father as “Daddy” (i.e. “Hi, Daddy! Did I tell you about the Prada bag I wanted?”)
5. Trixies will often wear pants/shorts/etc that have a phrase printed on the butt. This fills their need for attention because it says, “HEY! Look at my ass!”
6. Trixies will attend Cubs games, but they are not Cubs “fans.” Trixies treat Cubs games like going to a bar - they hope some dumbass will be stupid enough to buy them a beer. The easiest way to spot a trixie at a baseball game is to ask them who the starting pitcher is. If their answer is “Rex Grossman” you’ve got yourself a winner
7. You’re in your office working when you look out the window and see a woman about your age (mid-to-late 20s) with six shopping bags on her arms as if she’s been shopping all afternoon. Is it 2PM on a weekeday? Yup, that’s a trixie
8. That stench you smell? That’s a combination of wine, smoke, perfume and denial. A clear sign a trixie is nearby
9. By default, almost all trixies have a dog as a pet. Researches feel it’s because trixies must be the center of attention and don’t like being alone. It’s difficult to spot a trixie just based on her pet. However, if she’s carrying her dog in her bag you’ve got yourself a 100%, bonified trixie
10. Like douchebags, trixies are also Starbucks whores. Trixies don’t care how much something costs. They’re mindset is that once they get married their rich husband will pay off all her bills. So, she’ll have another soy latte, please

• Health , Science