September 7th, 2007 10:14 am

Sept. 7 (Chicago) - A shocking study just released by Kwummy Unified Neurological Testing (KUNT) shows that 71% of Chicagoans are stupid while 21% are considered ”yuppies.” Combined, the two groups make up more than 90% of the Chicago population.

Read the full story and see the poll after the jump.

The poll has confirmed what some in Chicago already knew - that yuppies and morons run rampant. KUNT Coordinator Jim Dapplerod said:

It seems everywhere you look you see either an idiot or a yuppie. Sometimes you see both in a situation and you’re concerned it might create a rift in the space-time continuum. The two groups often share a lot in common and one could argue that they should be combined into one larger group.

Story continues after the image

One passenger on the 36 Broadway bus, who wished to remain anonymous, offered this thoughts:

Is it any surprise? I mean, look around you. This dude here is eating his own face, that guy over there won’t stop pulling his penis out and this b–ch behind me has just called the fourth person on her cell phone to tell them how the guy she went out with last night didn’t own anything with the words “BMW” or “Polo” in it.

KUNT contacted Mayor Richard M. Daley about the situation. Said Daley:

Well, before I make any judgement I’d have to see how the poll was conducted. However, if the findings are indeed accurate, we might have to enact some sort of city ordinance that only allows so many idiots and yuppies in a one block radius. I don’t know. As of this time I have no further comment on the situation.

Such an ordinance could affect one of the city’s most famous sports team.

It has been estimated that 99% of the fans that attend a Chicago Cubs baseball game at Wrigley Field are either an idiot or a yuppie. Any city ordinance that would try and limit the amount of idiots or yuppies in a given area would either have to be lifted for Cubs home games or there would be a drastic drop in attendance.

Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry said:

Look, any ordinance that limits the amount of people inside Wrigley Field would be the death of this baseball team. Most of our home games are during the day. Seeing as most of our fans are trust fund babies, they don’t often work. That’s why we play a lot of day games. We know they’ll come out. Second, you got those that enjoy sitting in the bleachers. Sure, they’re stupid and not really there to watch the game, but if they want to pay $50 for a ticket and $8 a pop for their beer who are we to say they can’t? It’s these morons that help fund Zambrano’s $91 million salary.  Any ordinance that cuts our attendance by more than half would create anarchy.  

Others don’t really see the problem. Sam Weinstein was enjoying a Soy Milk Cafe Mocha Frappacino Latte in Starbucks when he was approached by KUNT. Said Weinstein:

So what if I enjoy a $6 cup of coffee? Maybe I enjoy getting raped in the ass. Just because paid $100 for these jeans doesn’t mean I’m stupid or a yuppie. Who are these people to judge? If you ask me there aren’t enough yuppies in this city. Do you realize that yesterday when I went to the grocery store I had to park my Lexus between two Fords? I called my wife and told her to contact our lawyer immediately.

When asked how the idiot population affects the city Weinstein received a call from his manicurist and excused himself from the interview.

KUNT found it very difficult to locate anyone in the “Normal People” category as they make up only 5% of the population. Normal person Allison Pussnboots did offer to speak with KUNT. When asked how she deals with the issue she responded:

I don’t really leave my apartment. I’m scared to go outside. Being among a group like that is almost like being in a foreign country where you don’t speak the local language.

KUNT spoke to some of the homeless in the city and they were a little more vocal, if not distracted. One gentleman, who only offered to speak with us if we called him One-Eyed Jack, blamed local celebrities:

It’s that Oprah’s fault if you ask me. She’s running around with bodyguards and eating McDonald’s while I have to sleep on a piece of cardboard and eat my own feces. Where’s the fu—ing justice in that, huh? We should take all the idiots and yuppies and do ‘em like we did back in Nam.  When they’re walking around with shrapnel up their ass they’ll think twice about cutting you off in their Porsche or hitting you with their backpack on the bus.

One-eyed Jack told us he would help KUNT rid of the yuppie and idiot population if we gave him a bottle of scotch. KUNT politely declined.

KUNT also contacted those in other cities throughout the U.S. to get their view. Said Pittsburgh resident Erech Overaper:

Seems to me like there’s a bunch of meatballs in that city.

Nevertheless, it appears normal people have an uphill battle against those in the city that either care more about themselves or simply don’t care at all.

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