August 28th, 2007 11:20 am

The Monday Morning Punter over at KSK has another Brian Urlacher “I’m Sorry” post up. This time the target is none other than Mr. Franchise, Lance Briggs.

This comment to the post is one of my favorites:

Actually, the guy kinda seems like a genius. He left the scene of the accident and by the time the cops figured out it was his car, it was too late (supposedly) to check his BAC. So he gets off with a measly $1000 fine. I wonder who he called first after stumbling out of his wrecked car, his lawyer or his manager?

According to the story: Bears coach Lovie Smith indicated the team will not discipline Briggs, whose “spirits were good for being in a one-car accident.”

I like how he lets us all know that they’re not disciplining Briggs, in case anyone was worried about that. Why would they? Do they have a strict no-trashing-your-Lamborghini policy up there?

I’m sure the unobjective Bears fan sees this as a “no harm, no foul” situation, but you’re delusional if you don’t think this story smells something fierce.

[Update - Sports Frog also has a post up about a David Haugh article.

I have to agree: this is denial at its finest. Refusing to talk about the situation just proves Lance was doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. If he simply lost control of his car because he was stuffing a Big Mac in his face or texting one of his girlfriends then he would have said it. Instead, they’re trying to sweep it under the rug.

Stay classy, Chicago.]

I’ll copy and paste the actual KSK post for the lazy after the jump.

I am sorry that you wrecked your $350,000 car the other day, Lance. I was hanging in the dorms last night smoking toenails with Adewale and he told me about your car. Well, specifically, he told me about how you wrapped it around some light fixture in the street. A good lighting scheme can make all the difference, so I can see your intention there. Are you alright? I am surprised you could even fit in such a small car. I understand that Italian men are just scale replicas of normal-sized people, and that their cars are shrunken down accordingly.

Maybe that was your plan all along, Lance Briggs. You were just trying to stretch the car out so both of us could fit in there at the same time. You always were a thoughtful fellow, The cannonball home from Lake Forest would have been sweet, just like Miami Vice. I could have been Don Johnson to your Phillip Michael Estrada, but I guess we can forget about that for now.

This just hasn’t been your year, Lance Briggs. I mean, you got stuck with the franchise tag over the winter and all that. Now you’re only gonna make seven million dollars this year, not that either of us could count that high, even if we had like, 94 days or something. It’s a good thing we have direct deposit, it’s just one less thing. Hey, what did you do with that franchise tag? I never see you wear it…

But now you have no car, Lance Briggs, and that sucks. This one time in college I needed a new water pump in my Neon and I had to drop it off overnight, so I know exactly what you’re going through. When your game check comes in a couple weeks, we can go get you another car, and maybe invest some money into some better tires. I know this homeless guy over in Gary, Indiana, so we can register it in his name if you don’t want to deal with the cops next time you plow into an embankment. Think about it, the offer is on the table.

So, do you need a ride to CVS or something?

• Chicago , Sports